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addictive
I throw all of your stuff away. I’m gonna clear you out of my head. I tear you out of my heart.
And ignore all your messages. I tell everyone we are through. 'Cause I'm so much better without you.
But it’s just another pretty lie. 'Cause I break down.
Every time you come around. So how did you get here under my skin? I swore that I'd never let you back in.
Should have known better in trying to let you go. 'Cause here we go go go again.
Hard as I try I know I can't quit. Something about you is so addictive.
We're falling together. you'd think that by now I'd know. cause here we go go go again.


Wednesday, January 03, 2007, 6:30 AM

Today...I brought my mum to visit my grandparents... Brought them downstairs to walk walk... then went over to airport to eat popeyes. Yeah Yeah!!! I love POPEYES!!! The 'bread' and the mashed potato is NICE!!!!I LOVE IT!!! I CANT wait for the next visit there... Feel like buying tons of that mashed potato to eat at home...

On the way home, while my mother was sleeping, i was looking outside the window.. actually not really looking since i wasnt even sure wat i am looking at.. maybe i should use the word Stoning. Something important strike my mind.

I have been feeling I have lost something throughout these years... AND today on the 3rd Jan ... i finally realised the thing i lost... CONGRATS TO MYSELF!!! POPPERS!!! SPARKLERS!!!

During the 3rd year of St John... my senior Jacqueline wrote a letter to me during farewell party ... She praise me secretly in the letter .... The words i have never forgotten... Actually i was also quite astonished by my own behaviour during that 3 yrs ... something i didnt even realise about myself...The preservance and the confidence that i have never had in my life... and something more amusing is that the 3rd year was the year that i stood up for myself... defending myself again some people...or rather... I should put in a nice way... SELF DEFENCE!

But... on the 4th year after i left St John ... I lost them all!!! TOTALLY!!! The preservance , the confidence... All of them.. GONE!!! What left me was just a tortorise me hiding in its shell... I did not attempt to gain them all back... But instead i stuffed myself with book.. books.. and books... Maybe that is the time I became what other people call me or rather still calling me... MUGGER ... I started to be strict with myself over my studies... i force myself to do things that i dun like... i force myself to study things that i dun like... I pushed everything away just to do one thing that i thought was so important to me... Study.... In fact... in a uglier way of saying ... i am just running away... Running away from everything...

I used to think that somethings in life are not done for a purpose... but the world taught me that everything that i do is done for a purpose in mind..
I used to think that study is not important afterall... but the world taught me that it will bring praise and attention and to make my family happy..
I used to think that friends will be forever... but the world taught me that friends may not be forever and that they will leave me one day...

I pushed myself to work and work non- stop... just to run away from the reality... run away from everyone... But i realise that i am not leading the life that i wan... i am not leading for myself... but instead... i have become the slave of my own fate... the fate that i rather give God to control rather than letting the fate to be controlled by my own fleshy hands.

What am i... I dun know... What do i really wan ... i really dun know... Why am i like that at the end of the day... I really really absolutely doubtful...